Falling Down
by FallFromGrace1191
Summary: This is story about the lives of Hermoine and Draco. Their loneliness and emptiness take a hold as they search for something to live for. Dark thoughts. DH. This does not relate to the complete plot of HP.
1. Kissing The Ground

* * *

_I'm the arrow,  
Shot straight to hell  
From the bow of William Tell  
My body lies  
Kissing the ground  
Like a cross turned upside down_

* * *

Has life ever been perfect? That's a question I constantly ask myself.

"Hermoine, honestly," my mother says, exasperated, "I'm quite sure you haven't forgotten anything. You've been packed for days."

I know I haven't, but really, it gives me something to do for the next twenty minutes of nothingness I have before I have to leave to catch the train.

I'm not sure if I've always been so apathetic. I guess after all that I've been through with my best friends, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, I've seen what life is truly like and how humanity is so easy to cast aside and live without. I had always promised myself that I would live the fullest life, take risks, live as though it were my last day. But what if it were? How would I react if I knew the exact moment I would die? What would I do...

"Mum, I really do think we should leave now," I say barely attempting to keep my voice lively.

My mother looks deeply at me and softly nods. I wonder if she knows.

In the car, it's peacefully quiet. I know she wants me to talk; there's an air of desperation hanging in the air. I ignore it and continue to stare out the window, imagining myself in the plane flying high above me at the moment. I wonder where it's going, where those people are running to, what they are hiding from.

My mum pulls to a stop and I look over to her. She breathes deeply through her nose, what I've recognized to be her 'I-don't-want-to-cry-in-front-of-you' face. I know she loves me, and I do love her deep down. Deeper than my nightmares and deeper than the re-runs of horrible images that queerly call to me, that make me want them.

I lean over and give her a hearty hug, hoping to sure her just how much I need and love her. I hope it's not the last time, but if it is, I know she knows that she is the woman that made me who I am and that I'm thankful for her every day of my life.

Out of the car, I set my eyes on a certain platform and walk towards it focusing my hazel eyes on it's common look. If you had never been told what lies beyond it, you would never notice it, never think about it, never care.

The world that lies behind that brick is the world I was shoved into. I, constantly being pressured into proving my worthiness in this biased world, had a mixed feeling towards it. It's beauty can not be disputed, but the hate it brings and the dark things that live inside it are far from a dream.

I lean against it nonchalantly and the muggles surrounding me don't look, don't see as that world takes hold and engulfs me. I stumble a bit as I drag my trunk filled with clothes and books. A sleek, red train stretches out in front of me. I silently sigh and walk onto it, leaving my trunk for workers to put on the train. In this world, this school, I am a figure of debate. A so-called perfect person; all but the blood running through my veins. I'm the smartest, one of the bravest and now the highest ranking girl in my school. The Head Girl.

Not a huge shocker as Harry and Ron had told me. I smiled at the memory of when they found out. Their eyes widened and then cool smiles graced their faces.

_"Are you telling me you're surprised, Moine?" Ron asked smugly. I shrugged._

_Harry looked highly offended, "I can't believe that you, the smartest witch in the school, would think you wouldn't be given Head Girl. Not as bright as we thought, is she Ron?"_

_"Nope, guess not. Wow, maybe we should go Harry. Wouldn't want to be seen with a person as dull as this," he smiled and his eyes glinted with mischief._

_I glared and stuck my tongue out at them. They always knew how to get me out of one of my moods. For at least a little while._

I make my way to a compartment towards the back of the train. I still haven't seen Ron or Harry yet. I feel a bit of worry enclose me. I really hope they aren't in trouble. God knows what happened last time they weren't on the train to school.

I settle down in the comfortable seat and lean my head against the side. I sigh. Another year of hard work is on the way. But somehow, I know it will be different. I know things won't be perfect as they never are. I reach inside the pocket of my gray striped hoodie that covers my black wife beater. I bring out a miniature book, a diary. I wave my wand over it, making it full-sized once again. I flip to the last empty page at the end of the book and start scrawling out my thoughts in my messy printing/cursive.

--**Well, here I am. On the train waiting for the boys. Can't they ever be on time. God, they make me want to rip my hair out. Nobody really paid attention to me on the platform. I slipped through them. I guess if I don't want to be seen, I'm not. I wonder what they'll say when they see me again. "Moine, I'm so happy to see you!". I don't know how to face them. I know too much. Why did I have to find out. How am I supposed to live knowing that I'll die. Soon. Why did this happen to me? What the hell did I do?! I gave my whole life to save this fucking world and what does it do? It kills me. I'm dead already. Why doesn't it all just end now. I can't stand-**

The glass door slides smoothly open and I look up from my frenzied writing. My eyes brighten and fill with suspicion at the same time.

"Harry Potter-" I try to keep my cool, "what the hell happened to your face?"

He winces and tries to look innocent, "I ran into Malfoy and he well- said some stuff that got me mad..."

I roll my eyes and sigh dramatically, "And he said what?"

"Well-er- you know how he's always talking bad about Ron's family and stuff, and I finally exploded. I just started throwing punches, cause you know, I can now," he smirks and I do agree. Through the summer, Harry had been working so hard to build his body and make himself physically able for an attack. His biceps and abs said everything.

"He got me on my back and pretty much beat the living hell out of me," he lamely fininished.

My eyes darken and I get up, "I think I'll go show Malfoy what Head Girl means, Harry. I'll be right back."

I madly throw the door open and set off towards the front of the train. There stands Draco Malfoy in all his cockiness with his two croonies on either side of him.

"Malfoy, I just _happened_ to be Head Girl and you just _happened_ to beat up my best friend. I think 20 points from Slytherin is pretty good, don't you?" I state with a smug look.

He matches my smirk and says, "Well it just so_ happens_, Granger, that I am Head Boy and I do believe I was doing a favor to the whole wizarding world. I do believe Slytherin deserves 30 whole points!" He maliciously smiles.

"Don't worry, Malfoy. This year will be absolute hell with me over your shoulder watching your every move."

"No worries, I'll just have to keep lifting weights if I'm to lift you over my shoulders. You know, I think you gained a bit over the summer," he said with a fake sad shake of the head.

My eyes widened with fury and knowing that he was a little right, "Fuck you."

"Ahh, gladly."

I make a frustrated face and march back to my compartment and slam the door. Harry's raven hair is hanging over his right eye and his hoodie is laying bunched up under his head as he slept. I fume silently, trying to stay quiet.

I grab my journal once more and write furiously into it-

--**I did not gain that much weight! All it did was make me more curvy, not fat or anything. Draco Malfoy and all six feet of sinewy muscle of him really gets on my nerves.**

I pause.

**--I'm not fat!**

* * *

_Do not worry, readers. I have something big to plan. I guess if you actually read the whole thing, you noticed references to death, yadda yadda. So i have that idea and clears throat I think a certain other someone has something going on too. This totally did not come out of my head the way I thought, but don't give up on this, for it won't be cliche (I can guarantee that) and it will have deep ideas. _**  
**

* * *


	2. Toast To Loneliness

* * *

_So here's a toast to loneliness  
Sometimes it just makes so much sense  
For every night I drink alone  
I'm happier than I've ever known_

* * *

I step into my private room located in the Slytherin dorms and shut the door softly behind me. I breathe deeply, a panic settling into me. I'm alone for the first time in such a long time. It's a different feeling, one I can't get used to being switched on and off. I look around and see a perfectly furnished room with obvious Slytherin appeal. A canopy covers the top of my queen sized bed and sheer emerald curtains flow from the top. It is ethereal in a sense. Peaceful. Lonely. 

My eyes wince with broken memories from this past summer. My father, no, Lucius- I will never call him my father as long as I'm living- was adamant that I get my dark mark that summer. As one can only receive the mark out of willingness, I had refused and was spared. Almost.

_"Fine, Draco. If you don't wish to be a respectable, powerful figure, you will be treated for what you are. Nothing; filthier than dirt; lower than a mudblood." Father spit out hatefully._

_"How can you call yourself respectable?!" I yell, infuriated, "you're nothing but a pawn on that maniac's chess board. You are the real dirt," I said spitting in his face._

_I had no time to react to Lucius' fist flying through the air, striking my jaw. I could feel it being displaced. Heat built up around where his fist contacted and tears of shock filled my eyes. He had never hit me before. From the look on his face, it wasn't going to end soon. _

_"I'll make you wish you were never born," He yelled pushing me to the floor and kicking my ribs. They cracked and my breaths sharpened as pain was sent through me after every move of my lungs. I started wheezing and curled into a ball, hoping to protect myself, to shrink away into nothing.  
_

_"I already do."_

_Lucius stepped on my lower back with a sickening force. He hunched down and grabbed my arms, forcing them backwards. My shoulders ached so painfully as he pulled farther and farther._

_"Give it up, Son. You will surrender some time. You should do it before you're seriously injured," he said with a glare._

_"Never." I said with my last conscious breath._

_He slammed my face into the floor and effectively broke the cartilage in my nose. My eyes blackened as blood ran down my face._

I sit down on my bed with horrible thoughts filling my head. The pain I felt then was more than physical. My own father had turned on me, damn near killing me. Now, I have nothing left. I sit here, all alone, wishing it would all come to an end. I'm filled with nothing. Why am I still fighting? I don't need to. I have no true friends, no life outside this sanctuary, I have nothing to live for.

I walk slowly towards my private bathroom, another perk for holding the top ranks beside the walking encylopedia. I draw a bath and add a deep honey and lavender scent into it. My mind stops working. I slip soundlessly in and stare at the wall. I see scars from the summer on my body like graffiti covering an alley wall. Whose to say they all came from Lucius? I guess I couldn't stand it anymore and one day, cracked. Completely. As an egg over a simmering pan. I was done.

This blood is mine. It's mine to spill, to sell, to save.

I find myself void of thought, of wants. I can't feel anything anymore. Others' words fly through me as I pretend to give a shit. I carry on as I did before my life stopped being mine altogether. I fake it. Walk through the halls as though I own them. Look down on those whose lives probably mean more than mine. I'm done with it, as I am every time. It never ends, so I'll keep on pretending, desperate for something to live for.

I reach my pruned hand up to my face and feel zig-zagged lines of tears flowing down my pales cheeks. My tears ducts have abandoned my control as well.

I stand and look at myself in the full length mirror just to the side of my tub. Pale lines cover my back and arms. I see my dead steel gray eyes looking back at me. My silvery blond hair hangs loosely around my face. I hadn't felt the need to try and style or cut it anytime in the last 4 months. My body, well, I had taken to letting my rage loose in exercising. With every push up and crunch I felt myself more able to give Lucius what he deserved. Death.

I'm not ready. Do I even want to? I feel like a five year old, scared boy trapped in this body. My face doesn't look like me anymore. All emotion had left my eyes. I want it back so desperately. But there's nothing. Nothing at all. Noone willing to save me or to even try.

Those all too familiar tears streak down my face once more. All I want is to be wanted. To fit into a life so perfectly. To be wanted and needed so badly. My shoulders heave as sobs take over.

Never again.

I punch the glass as hard as I can with all the fury locked inside of me. My knuckles are bleeding as I gaze into the broken, mutilated me I see inside the reflection.

I see my true self.

* * *

_I tried to create a lot of emotion in this chapter. To give you the full extent of Draco's hurt and broken life. Many details, I think. But it all leads up to something. Tell me if I've done anything wrong or if there's anything you adore. I'm working hard on this. I hope you can see that._

* * *


	3. Tired And Desperate

* * *

_I don't lie  
I love you all  
I do  
To all of you dancing  
Just don't be afraid to fall  
It's true  
I'll give blood to your dry veins  
We do this for the passion  
Not for the fashion or fame  
We will capture you in open arms  
When you're tired and alone  
My life is better than it ever was  
This could be your home when you're all alone  
Tired and desperate  
My life is better than it ever was_

* * *

I pick at my food this morning. The eggs and pancakes don't taste as good as they usually do.

"Girl, you're not about to go anorexic on us, are you?" asks Dean Thomas playfully.

"Nah, that was never really my style," I say with a slow smile and bright eyes.

I take a bite of my breakfast just to appease the boys who were now staring at me not eating. I make an over-exaggerated pleased face, closing my eyes as I moan, pretending it's tastes wonderfully. They all chuckle with cute smiles.

"You've been a bit out of it lately, Mi. Are you okay?" Ron inquires with a worried look on his face. Him and Harry sit right next to each other. A bit closer than usual, I might add.

"Ronald, I'm_ fine, _but I won't be if you keep asking me," I say reproachfully.

He's asked me this three times at least in the past day. It's starting to get on my nerves. He blushes a bit as I say this. Though at the way he's glancing at Harry, it might not have been for what I said. I narrow my eyes a bit and glance at Ginny. She, too is looking at them strangely. She catches my eye and we both send each other clueless looks.

Seamus starts talking and we both pull our attention away from each other.

"You know, Ginny, you and Hermoine- wow. You guys are gonna have blokes all over you this year."

I raise my eyebrows and he gives me a wink. Thoroughly shocked and somewhat disgusted, I look away pretending not to here him still talking about me and Ginny. Oh Lord, did he just say lesbian and camera? I think I'm going to be sick.

I say my goodbyes to everyone at the table and walk out of the Great Hall, glancing towards the Slytherin table where Malfoy is being accosted by Pansy Parkinson, the slut of the school, and is chatting with Blaise Zabini, Theodore Nott, and Hunter Ryse. I look away and push the doors open, heading to my next class. Potions.

I'm sitting against the dark, gloomy dungeon walls as the rest of the class joins me fifteen minutes later. We wait silently for Snape to come open the doors.

Severus Snape's billowing robes fill my vision as he enters the hall, stopping directly in front of me. I crane my neck and look up at him. He sneers.

"10 points from Gryffindor for not being ready for class, Ms. Granger."

I open my mouth to complain, but stop, knowing that's what he wants. He's always looking for ways to take points away from my house. I glare at him and stand up. I can't help but notice his eyes wandering a bit away from my face. I cross my arms in front of my chest.

"Shouldn't you be starting class, Professor?" I pointedly suggest.

He sneers yet again and unlocks the door. The class slowly walks in, taking their time to fins seats next to friends. I place myself in-between Harry and Ron. They are my barricade. Nothing can hurt me when they're around.

"Today, we will be making the Eternal Happiness potion. Who can tell me what the main ingredient in this?" Snape asks, glaring at the class.

"Phoenix Blood," Draco Malfoy states boredly. I fume as he doesn't even raise his hand. If I had done that, Snape would take away points faster than Harry could catch a snitch. Snape looks pleased.

"Ten points to Slytherin, Mr. Malfoy." Malfoy nods, his eyes dull , empty.

I've never seen him look so unfeeling. It's as if only his body were present and his soul had left. I surprise myself with how curious I am about what's running through his head at the moment. I look away and listen to Snape explain how exactly we would make the potion.

"You may start."

Harry, Ron and I start out with a base of Pheonix blood. I dice up the moonflower and add it piece by piece every five seconds with the flame very low. Harry starts shaving off a pinch of powder from the unicorn horn. Ron stares at the dragon scale he is playing with. I roll my eyes and slap his arm. Harry snorts with laughter and Ron looks at me in shock, apparently highly affronted.

"Do something, Ron. Stir the potion five times clockwise and two time anti-clockwise," I say, annoyed.

Ron starts to stir the potion and I add in 5 pomegranate seeds, turning the mixture a deep, blood red. Ron throws in a hand-full of wormword carelessly. I barely stop myself from yelling at him, creating a scene. At last I add the dragon scale and the potion is complete and still a deep red. Silver steam issues off of it. I smile and look around seeing that we were the only ones finished. Malfoy suddenly looks up and sits back in his chair on the back legs. He came in second, as always.

I place some some of our potion in a flask and turn it in to Snape's desk. He glares as he accepts it. I've never been his favorite.

At eleven o clock, I was sitting in the Gryffindor common room, hoping to relax and think. The whole house is awake and surrounding my plush arm chair. I don't think much thinking will be done here. I stand up and walk out the portrait door. Ron looks at me queerly then goes back to playing chess with Neville.

I always seem to think better when it's dark and quiet. I walk slowly down aged staircases and end up in the dungeons. My favorite spot. I slide down the wall in my pajama pants and maroon sweatshirt. I close my eyes and let my head lean back. I can hear footsteps maybe 10 meters away from me. I glance to the side to see Draco. My eyes watch his every move. His head is hung low as he walks down the hall. A few feet away from me, he looks up, surprised to see anyone else down here at this time.

"What are you doing down here, Granger. Isn't it past curfew?" he questions a little teasingly.

"Thinking, and yeah, I guess it is" I simply answer. He nods and sits across the hall sliding down the wall as I had. His hair falls over his eyes and he's dressed quite like me.

I softly stare at him, wishing I could read minds. What could he possibly be thinking? Why is he down here? Does he wish to disappear as I do? It looks like it.

After ten minutes of peaceful silence, my curiosity gets the best of me. "Sooo, how was your summer?"

He glances up sharply. Something I can't recognize shines through his eyes for a split second before being covered by the same emptiness as before.

"It was," he pauses trying to think, "never-ending hell."

I'm not expecting quite that, but I understand completely. I spent my days thinking of my impending death. After a while, I had stopped caring. My world crashed and burst into flames. I'm barely a ghost of what I was. The only thing I did during the summer was focus on the numbers. How few they are, how much they change lives. 8 5 07. Endlessly repeating. Filling my every thought. I've blocked them out now, finally.

"I'm sorry, I know how you feel," I can't believe I'm being civil with him, but I can feel the pain inside him. It radiates off of him like a furnace gives off heat. He looks at me as though thinking I could never understand him.

"Mhm, how was yours?" he asks merely to be respectful. I'm surprised he's continuing this conversation.

"A never-ending hell," I say looking down with a tear escaping my eye. I hurry to wipe it away, hoping he didn't see it in the dark.

"What happened?" he asks encouragingly. I suppose he did see it. I sigh, ready to tell my story.

"Voldemort happened." I pause. "Last year, when Harry and I faced him, he was so overpowering. You could feel the evil. The Ministry had been obliterated and I was standing in a pile of rubbish watching as Voldemort threw curse after curse at my best friend in the world," another tear slipped out."I think after a while, he became bored and saw me standing there, watching him almost kill my friend. He smiled so wickedly and start murmuring an incantation. My heart felt like it was being ripped out. Later I found out he had cast an irreversable curse on me. I'm going to die." I finish with a sob.

His eyes widen and he crawls over to me and encloses me in his arms. I clutch onto him and sob like I haven't in months. I feel like if I let him go, I'll fall and never stop. He whispers comforting words into my ear and rocks me back and forth. I look up after the worst was over. I give him a watery smile as I hiccup. He smiles sweetly back down.

"What happened to you?" I ask after I calm down. I'm still wrapped in his arms. I'm leaning against his chest feeling his heart beat against my back.

"My father."

I nod, understanding completely and drift off.

* * *

_well, I think that might be the longest chapter. Gasp! Tell me what you think. I hope I set everything up pretty well. I don't think it was too sudden of a friendship thing, was it? ahh, whatever. I really like where I know I'm going with this. Review please?_

_ all my love.  
_


	4. Ready To Fly

* * *

_I'm betting dreams upon my paper wings  
Because flying isn't just for kings  
I take the stairs to the very top floor  
I paid the super to leave open the door  
A perfect sunset is sinking in the sky  
I know my body is ready to fly  
I start the countdown backwards from ten  
When I reach one my family name will end_

* * *

The sunset looks so beautifully tragic from up here. My legs dangle over the edge of the astronomy tower. I feel so close, yet I am so far. I look down. A hundred feet are between me and bliss. Maybe not quite bliss, but a tranquil nothing. If I just leaned forward a little farther... There's no stopping me. I'll be free at last. Falling through the perfect sky. Feeling the wind rush through my hair and whipping my clothes. The feeling as I'm just above the ground, ready to end it all. To finally be at peace. 

I breathe deeply. I don't know what's stopping me. Just push off. Free fall. Live for once. Die.

I smile. I can imagine Lucius' face when he gets the letter.

**-Dear Mr. Malfoy,**

** We are extremely sorry to inform you that this afternoon your son, Draco, jumped off the Astronomy tower to land on the ground a hundred feet below. He fell to a peaceful, blissful death. He wrote a note telling us to inform you of where you can stick it and that he's always hated you. The post script read that he wishes you to become everything you ever wanted to be. Specifically Voldemort's bitch. Our deepest regrets,**

**Hogwarts School Of Witchcraft And Wizardry**

He'd wish I would have lived for the soul purpose of kicking the barely living shit out of me for writing something as 'blasphemous' and 'disrespectful' as that. I hope he rots in the deepest pits of hell for what he did to me. What he's still doing. His actions live with me everyday. Reminding me of how I can't come home if I wish to keep all my bones intact. This month of September has barely made an impact on me. Hermoine might have been the only good thing I've found.

I wonder how my mother would feel. I think she is the only person that loves me for me, but she's too caught up in herself to notice anything about me anymore. If I jumped, she would barely blink an eye. Mourn for a few days and then meet her friends for a shopping spree. I sneer at the painful truth.

I wonder if _she_ would notice. Would she care? If I didn't show up for class, would she look for me? It'd only end in a shocked expression gracing her innocent face. Maybe a few idle tears rolling down her flushed cheeks. Her beautiful hazel eyes glinting in the light of a torch. I sigh.

I don't know how I feel. I know more than anything that I don't want to go on pretending. My whole life is lies. I'm faking my way through every second. What kind of life is that? I don't want to try anymore. I just want the end to come. It hurts to breathe...

A flash of brown hair crosses my vision. It's her. She's walking towards the Dark Forest. Probably wanting to sit by the lake. Or maybe drown herself in it. She turns sharply, looking behind her as if she thought someone was following her. She glances up at my tower, at my figure sitting as close to the edge as it can. She stops for a few seconds as though looking through me and seeing my thoughts. Shit. She turns around and head back into the castle.

I hop off the ledge onto the balcony. I sprint to the dungeons where I know no one will bother me. A Saturday afternoon is not the time to see students studying in the coldest dungeons. I settle myself in the deepest, darkest corner I could find. I sit for a few minutes before reaching inside my pocket and pulling out a shrunken hunting knife. With a simple spell, it enlarged. My eyes follow every jag along its serrated edge. I roll the sleeve of my black sweatshirt up to my elbow. I place the cold steel against my pale, scarred skin. I scrawl out a perfect H and the ruby blood pools in the pit of the incision. I add an I with aesthetic curls on each end next to the first cut. The pain sinks into me at this moment. A sharp throb constantly pounding. I don't stop as I place a D next to the curly I. Making sure it's as perfect as it will be I move onto the last letter, the last plunge into my pain, the last cut. An E falls gracefully from the knife I hold in my right hand. My arm shakes slightly as rivers of liquid regret and broken faith spill out of my masterpiece. It's always been quite a sight, in my opinion. I find it the only art that requires true want and commitment. Blood drips onto the floor beneath me. It's amazing that just minutes ago, this was in my body, keeping me alive. It even more astounding that when I spill it, I feel the most alive I ever have.

Soft steps come my way. Fuck. I'm too void of energy and willpower to even cover my arm as Hermoine walks down the corridor I'm hiding in. I hide, as my arm says, I fake, I pretend, I conceal. I'm truly pitiful yet I could care less. It's not pity I want.

She kneels next to me and her scent of clean intoxicating innocence floods my senses. It's a real high. I zone out as she takes out her wand and stops the bleeding. The throbbing becomes bearable and I open my eyes to look at her. With a torch in the background, she looks like my guardian angel. Saving me from myself.

* * *

_if you noticed, I used a fftl lyric in the first paragraph. Gotta love it. Well, 4 chapters and no reviews? Pretty sad if you ask me. I do think you should help me out. I need some constructive critism otherwise I'll just sit here listening to depressing music wishing people would review my fanfic. night all_

_all my love.  
_


	5. Author's Note

Author's note.

As you all have realized, I haven't updated in quite a while. Sorry if I have made some of you mad, the past year, I haven't felt the need to write so much. I'm trying to get back into it. If the writing seems a little off, sorry again. I'm not in the angsty mood I was in while originally writing this. I'll try my best to keep with the spirit of this story. If you'd like to give me suggestions to where the plot should head go right ahead!!! I could use the help. Alrighty… I shall update soon.


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